ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short...
IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short...
12 comentários:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/terrorismalert.asp
Funny, though.. ;)
"Bloody Nuisance", as a matter of fact :D
430 bc?
Ena! Vai ver que o quinto império já vem a subir a Calçada de Carriche arrastando as 7 pragas do egito e nós aqui embasbacados a ouvir da sorte azarada dos bombeiros segundo São Coelho ao sétimo dia.
Triste, muito triste.
"Even if the hopes you started out with are dashed, hope has to be maintained. Even if the last move did not succeed, the inner command says move again."
Seamus Heaney
LOL(ada)
Cristo nunca disse "Amai-vos uns aos outros". Isso é um erro. O que ele disse foi "Armai-vos uns aos outros". Aliás, foi compreendido.
Henri Jeanson La Flèche
Antologia da Asneira no Século XX
Publicações Europa-América
Vai um piropopo?
Dois tipos, um de Lisboa e outro do Porto vêem passar uma garina com tudo no sítio. Reacção:
- Ainda dizem que as flores não andam...(o de lisboa)
-Não andam mas é o caralho!(o do Porto)
disse o dixit:
Irmãos, é preciso de tudo para fazer uma botica
Não se deve ler jornais nem ao fim de semana que a cabeça tem lá as suas razões que os pés não entendem.
Eu, por exemplo, não consigo que os meus pés entendam como é que um país cheio de autoestradas só tem uma saída para a crise. Não entendem e pronto. Aliás até já me perguntaram como é que entraram na crise se nem tinham dinheiro para a entrada.
Também lhes falei na moda dos simulacros - que eu acho que eles se enredaram nalgum simulacro de porta de café antigo, daquelas que andavam à roda e a gente saía entrando ou entrava saindo.
Até lhes expliquei que quem sabe tudo sobre simulacros e parecenças são os gringos , mas eles acham que são invenções da cabeça e eles com a cabeça é que não querem mesmo nada.
Refugiei-me na história da ex-puta velha judia no regresso de Auschwitz mas eles acharam que eu estava a ler o simulacro do Rui Ramos e ia sendo o juízo final. Ainda lhes mostrei as fotos do Chiado ardido mas eles juram que aquilo é da Síria !
E para acabar bem o dia ainda vou ter de saber o que diz o gringo. Um sonho é que ele não tem, aposto.
Quanto a mim, parece que Cristo sugeriu «Amai-vos uns SOBRE os outros»; e o resultado está à vista
eu também achava que o Cristo o que tinha dito era AMAI-VOS UNS SOBRE OS OUTROS, tal com diz ali o vizinho.
Começo é a admitir a hipótese de ele afinal ter dito ARMAI-VOS UNS AOS OUTROS e ter sido um chinês quem veio contar a história à gente.
Está visto que não perceberam nada das palavras do Cristo, o que é perfeitamente natural pois a língua era outra. Ou seria a linguagem? Bom, venham as garotas do BE e decidam:
PORRA PARA AS FESTAS SEM VINHASCA, ISTO NÃO DÁ COM NADA, MUITO MENOS COM CANÃA. EU DOU-VOS O NÃA, SUBJUGADOS, FROUXOS, LABREGOS, PRECÁRIOS, ABSTÉMIOS, PROTOZOÁRIOS!
E as amibas e as paramécias? Que raio de discriminação é essa?
E sim, venham as bodas de Canaã e a devida vinhasca que crise já está a perder a graça.
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